The Four Best Curling Irons to Dazzle Your Dad With This Labor Day

Hey there, Dazzlers. We all know what time of the year it is… curlin’ season. I’ve done the research, and I can say with utmost certainty these are the four finest curling irons on the planet.

4. The Hot Tools Professional Marcel. At just $42.87, this iron will burn neither your wallet nor your father’s neck. The brass design helps convect molecules at a lower energy, but a stronger intensity.. so the heat goes to your father’s hair, and only your father’s hair.

It’s Labor Day, don’t burn your father’s neck

3. The CHI Air Digital Tourmaline Ceramic Sexy Waver, available at Kohl’s. Your mileage may vary, but I was able to snag two for $220+tax.

The CHI Air Digital Tourmaline Ceramic Sexy Waver – need I say more? This three-in-one digital platiscope design has numerous functions, qualities, and dynamics. How CHI Air implemented a ceramic base with a metallic fonderior, I will never know, but the design left me speechless from the moment I stumbled into a display case full of them at Kohl’s.

Stunning

2. The Miracurl Steamtech By Babyliss Pro + 3 Spray package + Travel Bag original NIB, just $229 at bonanza.com. Perfect for those overnighters in the woods. It’s Labor Day, not Neighbor Day. Get your Dad something to protect him in the woods in case he encounters a bear.

The travel bag doubles as a shield in case of a bear attack

1. The IRRESISTIBLE ME Sapphire Best Hair Curler: 8-in-1 Complete Affordable Curling Wand. One of the most dynamic curlers I’ve encountered in my 35 years in the industry. What Irresistible Me did with this wand is simply extraordinary. It’s the Swiss Army Knife of curlers; equivalent to a helicopter, a Corvette, a submarine, and a Halitzer tank. Your Dad will be dazzled beyond belief — on camera during his unboxing video — as he explores the contents of one of mankind’s most incredible feats of engineering. This is the type of dazzler you buy two of; one to keep plugged in at all times, and one to frame on the wall.

Designed in the same facilities as the Mars Rover

5 Everyday Tasks Your Parents Did Completely Differently Before the Internet

Before scientists discovered the internet life was a struggle. Historians have described this pre-world-wide-web era as “shitty” and “archaic.” Here are 10 simple tasks everybody over the age of 40 remembers doing the hard way:

1. Google

Before 1987 the act of Googling something was known as “interrogating grandpa.” According to legend, the elderly members of the village safeguarded their expansive knowledge within a collection of books known as Encyclopedia Britannica (pronounced En-cyclone-P.D.A Bright-tan-nigga).

A book is a type of plant.

 

3. Mules

Believe it or not, before mules became the nation’s leading ethnic group, they were worker animals. Their primary functions included carrying heavier equipment and stomping hard, thrice.

There are currently 9 mules actively serving in Congress.

 

2. Weather

The first meteorological study took place in Budapestian monasteries in the year 3 A.D.  In the United States, however, meteorological data only became available to the public in 2001, when Google finally crafted a synthetic monk small enough to fit on a computer chip. Prior to this groundbreaking technological advancement, the climate across the county was communicated to the general populous each morning in a daily address from the President. The last U.S. President to deliver such an address was–you guessed it–Bill Clifton.

Bill was the first openly bisexual President of the United States.

 

4. Porn

Imagine your teenage mother wanking it to interracial lesbian threesomes on www.beeg.com, her soft cherubic face barely visible in the celestial glow of her tablet screen–now STOP, because lesbianism only just recently came about, in the year 2011. In the sexual heyday of your parents, the only available pornography featured Taiwanese men with small hands carefully positioning Raggedy Ann Dolls. From 1920-1979, these exhibitions were shown on a weekly basis in public schools, often in the form of a PowerPoint presentation.

***Viewer discretion advised. The above images may be offensive to tight, younger audiences.***

 

5. Hot Pockets

Remember that time the power was out so you had to heat your Hot Pocket in the fireplace? You forgot to open the flue and your entire house filled with smoke. You enjoyed the gooey, cheesy goodness of your turkey and broccoli food pod over your Great Aunt Harriet’s charred corpse. Now imagine doing that everyday!

Great Aunt Harriet enjoying the world’s leading source of fiber before her tragic death.

 

Thank god for technology!

(You can say that again)