Five Things Every New Yorker Knows

1. Pizza
Every New Yorker knows good pizza when they see it. Whether it’s a quick dollar slice over on 131st and 58th or a couple pepperoni pies from Angelico’s with the boys during the G-Mans game. Pizza is in every true New Yorka’s blood.

2. The Neighborhoods
You’ve got Da City, you’ve got Queens, you’ve got the Big Apple. There’s Da Bronx and ol’ Long Island. Brooklyn. Flat Bush. Green Point. Chinsel City. Harlem. East Side. Da Village. Yonkaz. Da Park. North Side. Da Heights. Times Square. Gloinsgate. All the boroughs.

3. The Subways
They’re dingy and filled with bacteria. They’re unsafe, uncomfortable, and often smell of urine. But true New Yorkers know sandwiches and nobody makes a better sandwich than Subway™.

4. Sports
Football? You’ve got the Giants and Da Jets, who both play their games at Ellis Island of all places. Baseball? You name it. Ruth; Jeter; Da Babe. Hockey’s in full session with the Rangers and another team or two. And who can forget the biggest sport of them all, Da Hoops. There’s no bigger ticket than seeing MJ and gang take some buckets to the max. There’s competitive archery clubs, and croquet leagues throughout part of the city. Sports coarse through New Yorker’s veins like diamonds in a hawk.

5. The Dawgs
If Family Feud ever surveyed New Yorkas on their daily lunch, the survey would say “dawgs”, “dawgs”, and “more dawgs, baby”. Every New Yorker eats a couple sidewalk street cart hot dogs for lunch every day. A recent study by the Bulgarian Institute of Tubed Meats found humans will have depleted 95% of our global hot dog supply by year 2024, and could actually run out before 2030 without significant measures.

POLL: Who was the all time best NBA ? LeBron, Kobe, or Jurpie McDaniels?

Gotta go with the ol’ Jurp. 🏀

Which Type of Showerer Are You?

 

1. The Hot & Steamy
   Shower-goers of all types know this classic. The “Hot & Steamy” (H&S) was originally minted by none other than Frurdman Clingus in the wee year of 1818. Sweat emanated from his pores at a rate unbeknownst to mankind at the time, as he bathed in waters over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Clingus was declared dead after approximately three heathknocks, yet villagers continued to bathe him for the next one hundred years. I don’t suggest you turn that dial quite to a thousand – or bathe yourself for a hundred years -, but if you don’t mind a little tingle in your springle, you’ll at least give a 475-degree H&S a shot.
2. Marsupial Lather
   We all know the feeling of cold kangaroo fur rubbing against our childhood genitals, don’t we? Lather up those gloins with a hot cloistering of orange peels, Axe body spray, coconut oil, and kangaroo blood. One’s never felt a shower more invigorating than a Marsupial Lather.
3. Suds McDuds
   A quick 30-second sploinder of nearly-frozen water. Not only does it Suds, it also McDuds. Quick, easy, and cheap as can be. Who needs soap when you can’t remember what it feels like to have nipples?
4. Graphite Horror
   Remove your shirt. Remove your pants. Now do a little dance. Haha – just kidding, don’t dance. Grab one of those mechanical pencils, remove the eraser, and pour the ‘lead’ into your hand. Take those little graphite sticks and jam a couple down your peehole. There may be blood, but there also might be some joy.
5. Steroids and Eggs
   Dip your steroid needle in toothpaste then inject yourself with 200-4,000 milligrams of Cortisol Steroidosolone. Fill your bathtub half-way with soft-boiled eggs, leaving the rest for hot gravy and oysters.
6. A Jondler
   Just a plain ‘ol Jondler. A lil’ bit of soap, a lil’ bit of jondle. It’s A Jondler™.

Trunts McCrackler

There are several key components when it comes to deciding who to vote for President. Shirts, ties, grears, outer space; it all counts. When it boils down to who means the most, some are left starving in the dust. Let’s catch up with these hoodlums.

 

1. Bernum Sanders
   The Mad Magician is at it again. Spilling out facetious rhetoric about free education and sustainable energy; what a fucking retard. When it comes to birds, this guy doesn’t know his shit. Odds are Sanders doesn’t know the difference between an eagle and a hawk. Don’t vote for Bernum, he’ll just end up making you eat worms.
2. Dronal Tumpr
   When it comes to candidates with the goldest of hairs, Dronal is the leading favorite. Some say he’s a modern day Kanye West. Others say he couldn’t eat shit off a stool.Whatever that means, it’s time for a daily double.
3. Hitlery Climton
   

4. Markins Ribbios
This guy is as terrible as he is retarded.

5. Count Chocula
The most realistic of candidates, Chocula enters the race with a significant deficit to overcome. Not only is this nation is turmoil — in every sense of the word — but Chocula himself has fallen under allegations he may have shit in a sink in a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale after a Gwen Stefani concert.

Ten Baby Names for 2016

1. Frents McClenter
2. Turquoise
3. Spirental McClental
4. Burgenstockles
5. Splouse Clouster
6. Herms
7. Shpackler
8. Nine Inch Dong
9. Krentil
10. Spangler

Dad.

I love you Dad! You rock. You’re the best dad a son could ask for. So here’s to you – a poem I wrote in my room. Happy birthday! (The big 3-0) 🙂

 

 

 

Mine valorous father, how I love thy big hands.

Grasp me one last time, good father.

I longeth for thou touch.

 

Six Ways to Avoid Shoveling During the Snowpocalypse

1. Pay some neighborhood children to clear any areas necessary. Not only will you be putting money back in the community and teaching children a lesson about life, you’ll have time to watch as your Bagel Bites toast to perfection in your brand new Black and Decker TouchTemp2200c.

Bonus tip: kids are fucking dumb; I usually pay them with counterfeit money.

2. Move to a warmer climate.
I suggest you consider relocating to New Mexico as it has had the most human rights violations in America over the past 10 years.

A traditional New Mexican breakfast: cloves, chopped up carpet, and southwestern sizzle sauce.

3. Sterilize all the pots and pans in your home and strategically arrange them on your driveway in preparation for the snowfall. Rather than landing on the blacktop, the flakes will collect on the shiny sterile surfaces of your pots and pans. As the snow accumulates, you’ll have dozens upon dozens of pots and pans full of snow, leaving your driveway cleaner than a bird in outer space. What you do with your snow is up to you, but please, for the love of God, don’t put it in your anus.

Depending on the size of your driveway and/or walkway, you may need more pots. Don’t be shy about stealing your neighbor’s pots in the days leading up to a storm.

4. Ask Mark Wahlberg to do it. He’s a friendly guy, and can usually be found lurking suburban neighborhoods with a shovel during the first hours of a winter storm. While he may appear gentle, keep him away from Vietnamese men. Mark Wahlberg committed some vicious hate crimes in his Marky Mark days. Do a quick poll of your family members and count the number of them whom identify as Vietnamese men. If that number is zero, you’re in the clear; Mark Wahlberg can shovel your driveway. If that number is greater than zero, Mark Wahlberg suggests hitting them in the face with a large wooden stick — leaving them blind in one eye — while shouting racial epithets at them. When asked years later if you’ve ever apologized to the men, you’ll respond casually, “No, because God has forgiven me.” And, that’s honestly pretty cool.

Seriously, seriously.

5. Slaves. I didn’t want to be the guy who said it, but slavery really ain’t that bad. Think about it, if you had to choose between any of the first five options, we’d all go with slaves. They get the job done, they’re cost-effective, and it lowers the unemployment rate. I am an equal-opportunity employer; the shovel doesn’t see skin color, and neither do I. Also, you better hope it doesn’t snow until December, because of No Slave November.

Did you know the planets are named after the eight slaves pictured above. Can you guess which one is Earth?

6. Stage your own death. If you’re dead, nobody can get mad at your for not shoveling! Don’t actually die (that would be a real burden), just elaborately stage your own death. Come back three weeks later, better than ever, and act like nothing happened. When the police question you, just pretend it didn’t happen. And hey, who couldn’t use a little pressure off their back at work? Nothing will cool your boss’s temper about that missed deadline more than attending your funeral.

Five Common Diseases You Never Knew Existed

1. Eating rocks
What seems like a mundane task to some is a disease to others. 1 in 18 American eat tiny little rocks off the ground a few times a day. Who knew?

2. Shirtless Whisper Syndrome

3. Eggsphobia
Eggs haunt the dreams of millions of American children on a daily basis, yet Obama still hasn’t done anything to make those nightmares go away. Shame on you, Obama.

4. ALS
We all did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge last summer, but did you know it was named after a disease? Looking back, I bet they wish they named it after something cooler than a disease.

5. Sharks
While technically still in the disease ‘grey area’ (i.e., are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?), there is strong scientific evidence to believe sharks are in fact a disease. I won’t bore you with the details here, but just remember, each year more people die from sharks than from any other disease. That sounds like a disease to me.

You Won’t Believe How These Three Stars Got Their Start in Hollywood

1. Gwyneth Paltrow 
Originally a three-time X-Games Bronze medalist in BMX, Paltrow was discovered during a routine trip to the dentist. She’d recently lost five molars in a gruesome bare-knuckled brawl with a homeless man, and an additional three teeth in a pre-fight wager with the man. Her dentist, George Lucas, immediately cast her for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.

You can barely tell she lost eight of her teeth to a bum

2. Chris Pratt
Before he dazzled you with darling performances in E.T. and Home Alone 5, Chris Pratt was a librarian in Missoula, Kentucky. First diagnosed with SARS in 2008, Pratt took it upon himself to live out his dream. Now one of the most established actors in Hollywood, Pratt looks to hopefully fend off the SARS for at least another few years.

Little known fact: Pratt is also the Mayor of Cincinnati

3. Kid Rock The man synonymous with lust, Kid Rock got his start in the improvisational ice dancing world. Having spent close to a decade training for the 1998 Olympics in Nagano, Rock was devastated to find out that improvisational ice dancing isn’t an Olympic sport. Not one to wallow in his sorrows, Mr. Rock developed a crippling  addiction to a very expensive measles vaccine called ‘Measnomor’. It was at the pharmacy that Kid Rock ran into his birth father, Regis Philbin. The two of them hit it off, packed a fat bowl of Measnomor, and wrote the legendary year-2000 hit, ‘Bawitdaba‘, setting the tone for the entire millennium.

Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie!

[Lifehack] 3 Secrets to Make Your Toothpaste Last Longer

1. As soon as you open a fresh tube of toothpaste, put a dab of Elmer’s glue (or standard epoxy) at the tip. This will make it nearly impossible to squeeze any of that precious paste out — in turn saving you hundreds of dollars a year.

2. DIY — Did you know how easy it is to make your own toothpaste? Follow these simple instructions, and you’ll be golden as a bear on steroids. Imagine that.

Put the following 9 ingredients in a blender on high for 4 minutes:

1. 3 parts lemon juice
2. 2 parts milk of magnesia
3. 1 part hot milk of magnesia
4. 5 parts sycamore leaves
5. 1 part sequins (for dazzle)
6. 1 part olive oil
7. 2 magenta crayons
8. 1 raw egg
9. 1 6″x6″ square of extra rough sandpaper

3. Limit the number of times you brush to once a week. A single, weekly, two-hour brushing session will conserve enough toothpaste to make one tube last you well over two years. With all the dough you’ll be saving, you can buy a boat.