Monthly Archives: April 2016

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Which Type of Showerer Are You?

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  1. The Hot & Steamy
    Shower-goers of all types know this classic. The “Hot & Steamy” (H&S) was originally minted by none other than Frurdman Clingus in the wee year of 1818. Sweat emanated from his pores at a rate unbeknownst to mankind at the time, as he bathed in waters over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Clingus was declared dead after approximately three heathknocks, yet villagers continued to bathe him for the next one hundred years. I don’t suggest you turn that dial quite to a thousand – or bathe yourself for a hundred years -, but if you don’t mind a little tingle in your springle, you’ll at least give a 475-degree H&S a shot.
  2. Marsupial Lather
    We all know the feeling of cold kangaroo fur rubbing against our childhood genitals, don’t we? Lather up those gloins with a hot cloistering of orange peels, Axe body spray, coconut oil, and kangaroo blood. One’s never felt a shower more invigorating than a Marsupial Lather.
  3. Suds McDuds
    A quick 30-second sploinder of nearly-frozen water. Not only does it Suds, it also McDuds. Quick, easy, and cheap as can be. Who needs soap when you can’t remember what it feels like to have nipples?
  4. Graphite Horror
    Remove your shirt. Remove your pants. Now do a little dance. Haha – just kidding, don’t dance. Grab one of those mechanical pencils, remove the eraser, and pour the ‘lead’ into your hand. Take those little graphite sticks and jam a couple down your peehole. There may be blood, but there also might be some joy.
  5. Steroids and Eggs
    Dip your steroid needle in toothpaste then inject yourself with 200-4,000 milligrams of Cortisol Steroidosolone. Fill your bathtub half-way with soft-boiled eggs, leaving the rest for hot gravy and oysters.
  6. A Jondler
    Just a plain ‘ol Jondler. A lil’ bit of soap, a lil’ bit of jondle. It’s A Jondler™.