Six Ways to Avoid Shoveling During the Snowpocalypse

1. Pay some neighborhood children to clear any areas necessary. Not only will you be putting money back in the community and teaching children a lesson about life, you’ll have time to watch as your Bagel Bites toast to perfection in your brand new Black and Decker TouchTemp2200c.

Bonus tip: kids are fucking dumb; I usually pay them with counterfeit money.

2. Move to a warmer climate.
I suggest you consider relocating to New Mexico as it has had the most human rights violations in America over the past 10 years.

A traditional New Mexican breakfast: cloves, chopped up carpet, and southwestern sizzle sauce.

3. Sterilize all the pots and pans in your home and strategically arrange them on your driveway in preparation for the snowfall. Rather than landing on the blacktop, the flakes will collect on the shiny sterile surfaces of your pots and pans. As the snow accumulates, you’ll have dozens upon dozens of pots and pans full of snow, leaving your driveway cleaner than a bird in outer space. What you do with your snow is up to you, but please, for the love of God, don’t put it in your anus.

Depending on the size of your driveway and/or walkway, you may need more pots. Don’t be shy about stealing your neighbor’s pots in the days leading up to a storm.

4. Ask Mark Wahlberg to do it. He’s a friendly guy, and can usually be found lurking suburban neighborhoods with a shovel during the first hours of a winter storm. While he may appear gentle, keep him away from Vietnamese men. Mark Wahlberg committed some vicious hate crimes in his Marky Mark days. Do a quick poll of your family members and count the number of them whom identify as Vietnamese men. If that number is zero, you’re in the clear; Mark Wahlberg can shovel your driveway. If that number is greater than zero, Mark Wahlberg suggests hitting them in the face with a large wooden stick — leaving them blind in one eye — while shouting racial epithets at them. When asked years later if you’ve ever apologized to the men, you’ll respond casually, “No, because God has forgiven me.” And, that’s honestly pretty cool.

Seriously, seriously.

5. Slaves. I didn’t want to be the guy who said it, but slavery really ain’t that bad. Think about it, if you had to choose between any of the first five options, we’d all go with slaves. They get the job done, they’re cost-effective, and it lowers the unemployment rate. I am an equal-opportunity employer; the shovel doesn’t see skin color, and neither do I. Also, you better hope it doesn’t snow until December, because of No Slave November.

Did you know the planets are named after the eight slaves pictured above. Can you guess which one is Earth?

6. Stage your own death. If you’re dead, nobody can get mad at your for not shoveling! Don’t actually die (that would be a real burden), just elaborately stage your own death. Come back three weeks later, better than ever, and act like nothing happened. When the police question you, just pretend it didn’t happen. And hey, who couldn’t use a little pressure off their back at work? Nothing will cool your boss’s temper about that missed deadline more than attending your funeral.

Five Common Diseases You Never Knew Existed

1. Eating rocks
What seems like a mundane task to some is a disease to others. 1 in 18 American eat tiny little rocks off the ground a few times a day. Who knew?

2. Shirtless Whisper Syndrome

3. Eggsphobia
Eggs haunt the dreams of millions of American children on a daily basis, yet Obama still hasn’t done anything to make those nightmares go away. Shame on you, Obama.

4. ALS
We all did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge last summer, but did you know it was named after a disease? Looking back, I bet they wish they named it after something cooler than a disease.

5. Sharks
While technically still in the disease ‘grey area’ (i.e., are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?), there is strong scientific evidence to believe sharks are in fact a disease. I won’t bore you with the details here, but just remember, each year more people die from sharks than from any other disease. That sounds like a disease to me.

You Won’t Believe How These Three Stars Got Their Start in Hollywood

1. Gwyneth Paltrow 
Originally a three-time X-Games Bronze medalist in BMX, Paltrow was discovered during a routine trip to the dentist. She’d recently lost five molars in a gruesome bare-knuckled brawl with a homeless man, and an additional three teeth in a pre-fight wager with the man. Her dentist, George Lucas, immediately cast her for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.

You can barely tell she lost eight of her teeth to a bum

2. Chris Pratt
Before he dazzled you with darling performances in E.T. and Home Alone 5, Chris Pratt was a librarian in Missoula, Kentucky. First diagnosed with SARS in 2008, Pratt took it upon himself to live out his dream. Now one of the most established actors in Hollywood, Pratt looks to hopefully fend off the SARS for at least another few years.

Little known fact: Pratt is also the Mayor of Cincinnati

3. Kid Rock The man synonymous with lust, Kid Rock got his start in the improvisational ice dancing world. Having spent close to a decade training for the 1998 Olympics in Nagano, Rock was devastated to find out that improvisational ice dancing isn’t an Olympic sport. Not one to wallow in his sorrows, Mr. Rock developed a crippling  addiction to a very expensive measles vaccine called ‘Measnomor’. It was at the pharmacy that Kid Rock ran into his birth father, Regis Philbin. The two of them hit it off, packed a fat bowl of Measnomor, and wrote the legendary year-2000 hit, ‘Bawitdaba‘, setting the tone for the entire millennium.

Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie!