Six Dinosaurs

1. Triceratops (not to be mistaken for my father’s prom date advice, “Try Sarah Topz, she has low self-esteem.”)

It is a common misconception that the triceratops was a type of ancient weasel. In fact it is a dinosaur. The triceratops went extinct nearly four thousand years ago. Only one remains in the wild.

 

3. Rhinovirus

That’s right, the common cold is a tiny dinosaur. Here it is magnified under a microscope 1000x:

 

2. Kleptosaurus

The kleptosaurus earned its name for its compulsion to steal female dinosaurs’ unfertilized eggs and sell them into the black market for drug money. According to paleontological historians, the Cretaceous Period fostered the growth of the dankest ever weed.

 

4. Mel Brooks

 

5. Every tri-fold instructional pamphlet ever

Pamphlets are actually molted scales.

 

6. Myasysaur

A subspecies of the more widely known pachycephalosaurus, the myasysaur is famous for its unique mating rituals, self-described as #kinkyAF. This bone-toting breed is the namesake of the second hottest gay bar at the corner of 3rd and 97th.

(Myasysaur Night Club requires reservations three months in advance and offers complimentary colonoscopies to all guests.)

 

I had fun anyways, Dad.

You Know You’re a 1920’s Kid If…

1. Nickelodeon is NEVER on anymore

2. You still screammmmm (at the top of your lungy lungers) when your home team wins!

3. In text conversation, you drag out your K’s to express reluctant agreement, and sometimes white supremacy.

4. You still can’t get used to time-travel or cloning. Cloning especially. It’s just weird, and nobody born in any other decade seems to understand.

5. MCM really stands for “Merry Christmas, Milton”; however, the modern-mainstream interpretation is “Man Crush Monday”. A product of an inferior generation such as maybe the 1950’s may not pick up on this one.

6. Bread STILL doesn’t make sense to you.

7. Alicia wasn’t cremated properly, but obviously nobody agrees with you nor understands because they were not born in the golden 1920’s.

8. Your fake ID dates “1910” but when you go to the saloon they tell you haircuts “aren’t their thing”… (This one personally irks me)

9. This sentence has come out of your mouth at least twice: “8 planets?! There were only 2 when I was growing up. I guess that’s something only I, a product of the 1920’s, would be able to relate to.”

10. Bit-Borkeling just isn’t fun anymore. In fact, it’s become a sensitive issue to us 20’s kids, which non-20’s kids fail to grasp. Maybe if you’d been on the planet between 86-95 years you’d fucking understand.

11. “Hashtag” was an epidemic which rapidly spread across the nation killing 800,000 white people. The amount of non-caucasian casualties remain unreported due to “insignificance” #1920’sKidsFTW! The moral of this recollection is how 1920’s kids are the only people who understand the importance of racial discrimination over what’s “trending” on TwatBook.

12. Microsoft Word seems like forever ago. This reminds of you of the time you co-wrote Anne Frank’s diary. A non-1920’s malfunction can only imagine the time it took without the aid of Microsoft Word. Everything in comparison nowadays seems like a breeze, which only 1920’s gems would be capable of comprehending.

13. Your best childhood memories: Jurpie.

14. You can name all 7 flavors of Jurpie.

15. Re-runs of Jurpie used to be your favorite Sunday afternoon past-time. Again, this remembrance is one that can only be shared by those born during the unbeatable decade, 1920.

Four Instagram Posts For Your #SnowdaySelfie Extravaganza

1. The “I Woke Up Like This” (formerly the “Feeling like P. Diddy”)

Self-aplanastory

The IWULT is the breakfast of selfies; essential for setting the tone for the entire day. It’s a snow day! It’s your day; wake up early! Get up by 5:30 to make sure you’re ready for that 8:37 AM post.

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2. Bikini/fitness guru

Bring your milkshake to the yard, but don’t spill it on their ankles

Pro-tip: Grab a pic from your ~summer ’11~ album, flip it horizontally, and increase the contrast until it looks like there’s snow everywhere. Can you believe I took this #snowdayselie on a sunny day over 41 months ago?! Cause neither of my Moms could!
:-D!

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3. MCM (even though it’s not Monday! Just to remind the hunks in your life that you’re a horny, horny bitch)

Mmmm beef stroganoff and beef bolognese 😉

I usually go with hockey players to really sell the “cold and helpless” angle. These two (Satchel Malone and Rush Plunker) both won the Stanley Cup last year — for bein’ so fine!

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4. Your favorite picture of Christ

Good Lord just nail me like a cross

Let the boys know you’re God-fearing.

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Bonus Selfie!

Thanks for reading! I wish you the best and warmest #SnowDay of your life!

Love,
SplendaGurl33

Three Everyday Items You Had No Idea You’re Supposed to Recycle

1. Hair trimmings/nail clippings
You never thought you were supposed to recycle organic body material, did you? Well you thought very wrong, and your misconception has cost God’s green Earth dearly. Start recycling your nail clippings and hair trimmings immediately, or our beautiful planet will suffer from dire consequences.

World-renowned pianist and President of the NOAA, Glen Furbington announced Monday morning, “If we don’t stop throwing our nail clippings and body hair in the trash, God will have us all killed by 2020.”

O-zone

Next time you shave your legs, arms, head, balls, shaft, frenulum, vulva, labia minora and/or labia majora, fupa, belly, chest, neck, face, butt, or knuckles, keep Mother Nature in mind!

This, of course, does not apply to back hair! The only correct method of disposal for hair from your back is burning it. Upon combusting, your trampstache actually promotes photosynthesis, and helps rebuild and restore the O-Zone layer.

2 & 3. Scissors and pasta sauce
Would you believe that 99% of scissors used today were made out of 100% recycled pasta sauce? Well, you better believe it, and you better start recycling your scissors and uneaten pasta sauce!

Like 2 P’s and a pod

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Life Hacks: 5 Unexpected Uses For Your Accidental Pregnancy

We all have those moments of horrifying clarity when we realize, life is going to be different from now on, especially during an accidental pregnancy. But what if I told you things didn’t have to change? What if you could just go on making the same mistakes, over and over and over again with no consequences? Here are 5 tricks I learned during my 12+ accidental pregnancies to turn that big fuck-up into a little something nice.

1. Terminating a pregnancy can be expensive, but have you heard of a little bitty something called modern art? Try dubbing yourself an abstract visionary and turn that abortion into an inviting exhibition of performance art. If you make a real show of it (tears are essential) the price of admission should more than offset those pesky medical bills.

“I paid off my student loans (and then some) with my ‘performance abortion!’ Now, my pulpy embryo is framed on the wall of my wine country estate.”

2. Is Mom still on your ass about giving her some grandkids because you’re 39 and still host a bi-monthly Dungeons & Dragons tournament in your apartment (AKA Mom’s loft)? Well, Mom, maybe it’s time to fuck off, because there’s a little ball of joy on the way!

No, you didn’t read that wrong. Contrary to popular belief, you should tell just about everyone you know about your accidental pregnancy. That way, when your pregnancy “tragically” “ends,” the pity party will be an absolute rager! Consider all those broken relationships repaired (and, yes, you can call me Dr. Phil).

3. After trying, unsuccessfully, to make my third, fourth, and seventh pregnancies into an omelet (the twins definitely needed more salt), I discovered that the best eggs are unfertilized. Your accidental pregnancy adds a lot more pizzazz to your morning when used as a garnish instead of as the main course.

4. Stylish oven mitt.

Keep your fingers cool in style. Pull your accidental pregnancy right over your tender hand–it’ll fit like a glove!

5. Did you know someone once traded a paper clip on Craigslist over and over again until they’d acquired a car? If a paperclip can get you that much, imagine what your little zygote might be worth! It is common knowledge that premature feti have been used as currency since ancient Greece, so why not take advantage and barter that baby away? I traded my most recent accidental pregnancy for a box full of pigeons!

Every New Years Resolution Roseanne Barr Has Ever Had

1. More cake.