The point is, we all have our own preferences when it comes to cats. Big, bumpy, big and bumpy cats, they’re all pretty good. Where do you see yourself in ten years? Riding this little thing…
orrrr this:
Henry Ford created God’s first car in 1974. He did it without his hands and his eyes. “I didn’t have that much free time any more because a lot of the time where i was spending on building the car.”
What was his secret ingredient you may ask? Industrial pioneers like Ford all shared one thing in common: They all looked pretty good in a bathing suit.Ford Circa '76.
Keith Urban in Fast and The Furious: The Fourth
So the next time you’re at your local car dealership don’t hesitate to ask if they sell cars. “Momma called me Johnny Fat Cock. Momma called me Johnny Fat Cock.”
Before scientists discovered the internet life was a struggle. Historians have described this pre-world-wide-web era as “shitty” and “archaic.” Here are 10 simple tasks everybody over the age of 40 remembers doing the hard way:
1. Google
Before 1987 the act of Googling something was known as “interrogating grandpa.” According to legend, the elderly members of the village safeguarded their expansive knowledge within a collection of books known as Encyclopedia Britannica (pronounced En-cyclone-P.D.A Bright-tan-nigga).
A book is a type of plant.
3. Mules
Believe it or not, before mules became the nation’s leading ethnic group, they were worker animals. Their primary functions included carrying heavier equipment and stomping hard, thrice.
There are currently 9 mules actively serving in Congress.
2. Weather
The first meteorological study took place in Budapestian monasteries in the year 3 A.D. In the United States, however, meteorological data only became available to the public in 2001, when Google finally crafted a synthetic monk small enough to fit on a computer chip. Prior to this groundbreaking technological advancement, the climate across the county was communicated to the general populous each morning in a daily address from the President. The last U.S. President to deliver such an address was–you guessed it–Bill Clifton.
Bill was the first openly bisexual President of the United States.
4. Porn
Imagine your teenage mother wanking it to interracial lesbian threesomes on www.beeg.com, her soft cherubic face barely visible in the celestial glow of her tablet screen–now STOP, because lesbianism only just recently came about, in the year 2011. In the sexual heyday of your parents, the only available pornography featured Taiwanese men with small hands carefully positioning Raggedy Ann Dolls. From 1920-1979, these exhibitions were shown on a weekly basis in public schools, often in the form of a PowerPoint presentation.
***Viewer discretion advised. The above images may be offensive to tight, younger audiences.***
5. Hot Pockets
Remember that time the power was out so you had to heat your Hot Pocket in the fireplace? You forgot to open the flue and your entire house filled with smoke. You enjoyed the gooey, cheesy goodness of your turkey and broccoli food pod over your Great Aunt Harriet’s charred corpse. Now imagine doing that everyday!
Great Aunt Harriet enjoying the world’s leading source of fiber before her tragic death.
We all have those days where your whole life feels like it’s submerged in water, and maybe that’s because IT IS! If any or all of the following are true for you, then your landscaper may or may not be an aquarium.
Strap on the snorkel–your landscaper is an aquarium. If you notice him looking a bit foggy, try adding in some bottom-feeding fish, like loaches, tiger shovelnose catfish, or Republicans.
Dramatization.
2. Can you swim in him? Aquarium central.
If you haven’t tried it already, take a dive into that old landscaper of yours. If your breast stroke is smooth as Amish-churned butter, you’ve got yourself an aquarium.
3. You tend to overfeed things when you’re around him.
Are the members of your nuclear family currently padlocked in your basement? Do sodden fissures in their pruney skin seep noxious fumes from their bloated corpses? No, that smell isn’t betrayal, it’s the scent of fresh-cut grass maintained by none other than your friendly neighborhood landscaper. Next time just try to take it easy on the fish flakes!
That’s right–this holiday staple was originally penned as a genocidal victory march!
All is calm, all is white.
2. We Three Kings
A subtly crafted satire of the rapidly inflating economic conditions in east Asia, these three kings of orient are, in fact, representatives of the communist state, bearing gifts of equal compensation and incentive-less labor.
Jerusalem circa 4 minutes B.C.
3. Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming
This secular ballad describes in slow-motion the visual result of blasting an infant in the back of the head with an AK assault rifle. I think this one speaks for itself:
4. I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
Come on.
5. Feliz Navidad
The literal translation of Feliz Navidad is “Mein Führer.”
6. No Lie – 2 Chainz (Explicit) feat. Drake
This heartrending love song laments the loss of innocence experienced by the general public since the abolition of U.S. slavery in the United States in 1865. Its chiming synths dance in harmonious counterpoint with full-bodied, bumping bass tones to recall the blissful existence of a freedom fighter. This masterpiece resonates as loud as ever in light of recent incidents involving police officers wearing Santa Claus costumes profiling and brutalizing innocent black Americans.
1. Velcro™! Available at your nearest liquor store, Velcro™ patches can be applied to pairs of your blind Aunt’s socks, making sock organization easy…“Even for a blind Aunt”™.
Depending on the severity of your Aunt’s blindness, she will need the directions read aloud to her by a friend, family member, or a stranger who can read. Velcro™ Facts:
– David Duchovny invented Velcro on the set of The X-Files
– Voted #1 Invention of the 20th Century by a legion of TV Judges
Judge Marilyn Millian
2. Take all of your blind Aunt’s socks, count them, and then bury them in the backyard. Take that number (that you had before burying them) and cut it in half! That’s how many pairs of black socks you need to buy from TJMaxx™ to replace the ones you buried in her backyard.
don’t forget to carry the 1!
Now that all of your blind Aunt’s socks are the same size and color, she will never get caught disgracing the family in public again.
3. Print out cute little ‘Don’t Mind My Socks, I’m Blind!’ stickers and adhere them to every single item in your blind Aunt’s pile of clothes.
Before you stick the delightful little warning signs on everyitem in her clothes pile, dig a 4-to-14 ft hole in her backyard. When your blind Aunt finally confronts you about digging a hole in her yard, deceive her into thinking she just won a hundred dozen socks from our good friends at TJMaxx™.
Now that there is a 16-48 ft hole in your blind Aunt’s backyard, you will want to invest in an electric fence. Here’s a chart to help you decide which electric fence is right for your blind Aunt:
Better safe than stuck in a 16-48 ft hole
What’s the big deal with matching socks, anyway?
It’s just one more item on the list of material items we judge one another with. A social construct so benign; serving no purpose other than to oppress those with difficulty distinguishing faded-black from navy-blue at 6:14 AM!
It’s mindless fodder; like Lost, or chess… but now is our chance, people!
Think about it! If every blind woman in America stopped matching their socks on the same exact day, it would be all over social media… It would go viral! It would spread ourmessage.
Nuns in Romania wearing one black, one white. Nuns in Lithuania listening to Spice Girls. Nuns in Maine never changing their socks again. The entire globe would realize,“Oh, hey.. hey, you’re right, Phil. You are exactly right. Who cares if my socks don’t match!?
—oh, ‘the client‘ cares?
—they said it was “unprofessional“?
Well, fuck them, Tim. Fuck those fascist bastards!
—and I’ll send ‘em back dickless on the same boat they came here on!
—oh! …oh! That’s offensive!? My Father didn’t serve four fuckin’ years to have these J*p’s come here on our dime(!) and cancel a deal over a fuckin’ sock! …a sock, Tim!
—oh! Oh yeah?!
I’m fired!?! That’s really how it’s gonna be, Tim?
—After fourteen years.
Fourteen years, Tim!
Fourteenfuckingyears at this miserable shithole, and I get canned because some J*ps weren’t happy with my socks!?
—I don’t care! I don’t give a fuck if they can hear me, Tim!
(Turns to client) Fuck you, ya fuckin’ J*p’s!
Yeah, and hey, Tim? …yeah, Tim…
—Tim.
I fucked your wife.
—I fucked your wife.
—what do I mean, ’I fucked your wife’?!!
What do I mean?!?!
I mean… I fucked your wife(!), Tim! …with my cock! Tim.
—I got cum on your fucking sheets!
Oh…
—oh, you don’t believe me?!
Where do you think Tim Jr. got that cannon of an arm from?
—oh, yeah?
—there isn’t a fucking ounce of quarterback in your DNA, O’Neill!
He’s my kid! He’s my quarterback! He’s my T-Ball Champ, Tim.
He’s my son, you impotent pussy. —I don’t give two shits about this job! I don’t need your job.. but mark my words, you schmuck… I will end you.
—I am going to get Linda to divorce you!
—and then I am going to move into your home!
I will raise my son in your backyard… and I’ll pretend to give a shit about the other kid.. your anemic little gremlin girl—
You really don’t believe he’s mine?! —Look at yourself! The boy looks like a young Joe Namath, Tim! Now look at me, Tim. —
Tim. —I said, “Look at me.”
Good. Now look at my hair, Tim. Look at it; it’s thick, it’s flowing. Horses with cancer wish they could get this shit. Now run your fingers through your Donald Trump strands. —The kid’s mine, Tim.
—the other one? …”Golem in the Dark”? Hell no! She’s all your’s.
—hey! Hey! I’m sorry.
—You really never realized everyone in the office calls her, “Golem in the Dark”?
How the fuck did you not notice that?!
No!
No.
No, no, no! I will continue to fuck your wife, Tim! In your bed! I am going to fucking end you, Tim. You are fucking finished.”
1) Socrates
– Trademarked the historic ‘Thinker’ pose
– Invented pipes and crab soccer
– His sketches inspired multiple forms of modern transportation including the Razor Scooter and Heelys
Socrates was totally yolked in college, but became iconic for his cool thoughts as an old guy.
When Socrates was 14, he contracted Aids. He lived to be 120 years old, but eventually died of Sars. That’s why we start our article with the man who overcame all odds (except Sars) to warm our hearts, and eventually inspire Cher’s second album title, dozens of decades after dying from a mixture of Aids and Sars.
Historians estimate what Socrates would look like if he was alive today
2) Seagulls
When Hurricane Katrina devastated all of America, nobody had it worse than seagulls. According to a girl who made a presentation in my poli-sci class junior year (Class of ’09 stand up!), 204 million seagulls and 199 million pelicans lost their lives in Ultrastorm Katrina. In comparable, not a single person in Ohio died from what ended up being the worst natural disaster ever by over 50 million birds.
So, before you are so quick to say, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” why don’t you consider the innocent baby birds who never even took their first flaps?
gone but not forgeten
You’re probably thinking, “Okay, Katrina’s a bitch. She killed sooo many adorable birds, but what the heck? I’m reading this research article for motivation! Not for things much sadder than the Holocaust.” That’s where the good part comes in:
Since the financial collapse in 2009, caused by the criminally negligent origination of home loans to sub-prime borrowers, and the subsequent packaging of those sub-prime mortgages into complex financial instruments sold back to that samehomeowner’s retirement account, multiplying the financial impact on the poor and middle class, while eliminating any risk for the banks and financial institutions who orchestrated this cataclysm in the first place (run by who else?), the American Elite), Seagull and Pelican populations have risen all the way back up to a combined 76 million!
This seagull could, so he did. You can, too…
Pelicans couldn’t, though. They were far too weak, physically and mentally, to overcome the combined effects of the storm, the BP Oil Spill, and the 2009 financial collapse. The current pelican population of Ohio is 0 pelicans; sadly, it looks like they are now Pelican’ts. Home prices have steadily risen since the collapse, but remain lower than the inflation-adjusted prices we witnessed from 1990 to 2005, suggesting this might be a buyer’s market.
6) This puppy named Henry
Henry receives the praise of Mexican citizens as he parades the streets of Guadelajara a day after murdering Fred Sanders, head of the Chicanos Del Fupas cartel. Sanders, 38, will be remembered for his ruthlessly suave footwork on both the dance floor and the Double-Dutch court. Honorary Sheriffs, Keith Urban and Rachael Ray, were attending the same high-stakes cockfight as Ajuelos, and were able to confirm the death via Instagram, using the hashtags ‘crazydeaths’ and ‘muerteslocos’. Neither Sheriff agreed to comment further, stating only, “These bath salts are unreal.”
7) Shia LaBeouf
Commonly regarded as the finest performance in acting history, Shia LaBeouf’s portrayal of Louis Stevens on the timeless, ‘EvenStevens’, won over every single one of our little hearts. A multi-dimensional, emotional thriller, EvenStevens was the first American TV show to invoke that incredible ‘edge of your seat’, “I can’t wait for next Tuesday and Thursday at 4:00 PM“, “I’m willing to shit my pants just to not miss a fucking moment,” type of drama.
The show, which watches much more like a genuine Docu-Drama than your average American Pseudo-Drama, originally had Nicolas Cage casted to play every single character, but a last minute decision to not include him at all left an opening for the janitor’s son to take the lead role. This heart-pumping, diabolically-well written, modern masterpiece is considered by most silver screen historians to be America’s foray into quality television. When Shia LaBeouf was 14, he contracted Aids and Sars; the show could not go on.
Years later, Brian Cranston was quoted saying simply, “If it wasn’t for Louis Stevens, there would be no Heisenberg. That is a cold, hard, fact. Vince [Gilligan] and I were washing windows on an old run-down bus for fun when Louis Stevens came to us in a hallucination. I don’t remember much about it, but a week later we were on day three of filming ‘Breaking Bad‘.”
LeBeouf, now 28, still has really bad Sars and Aids. Every hospital and middle school nurse’s office in North America has offered to treat him, but he swears by the herbal remedies and Luden’s cherry cough drops he is prescribed.
His physician, Dr. Oz, believes LaBeouf will live to be 120 years old.
Tom: classic Tom. Everyone’s got a Tom! He’s cool, he wears nice clothes, tells everyone he doesn’t smoke, has a lot of DVDs, and always knows some Hispanic chicks.
Tom: your sister says he forced himself on her but you know he wouldn’t do that.
Steve: Look at your phone. Take your phone out of your pocket and check how many Steves ya got in your contacts. I have 56 Steves. ‘Member back in 8th grade when you had to start deleting contacts from your Moto Razr just to make room for more Steves?
Steves are always good guys with small hands, but they have surprisingly firm handshakes. Steves often have an allergy to cumin so don’t you even think about putting cumin in their mouth.
Steve used to kill it it in elementary school kickball, but now he’s addicted to prescription opiates.
Steve means well – I’m sure he will give your mom’s necklace back as soon as he’s out of rehab
Black guy – Black guys are good for these things:
Friendship
Knowing who the best rappers are
Basketball but only when their on your team!
Dance/Rapping
Having sex with girls you were trying to have sex with
Taking long showers
Obama
David Blaine
Steve Harveysnoop dog
Mark – Mark is crazy good at checkers. Mark’s Mom is nicer than the average Mom, and definitely has bigger boobs, too. You work with Mark, and he’s the guy who always knows what’s happening in the Olympics; you don’t want to seem like you’re not just as much of a cold-blooded American patriot as he is, so you just avoid him for those weeks.
1. Spring! We love it. It’s nice, and there are butterflies sometimes!
2. Summer: Summer 2006 is my second favorite Summer. Can ya guess what’s number one?!
U guessed it! Summer Sanders!
Autum: We all love the month some people like to call: ‘fall’ – There’s good weather, there’s leaves with colors, there’s trees, there’s candy, there’s scarves, there’s foot, basket, and base- balls, there’s half-St.Patrick’s Day, there’s fishing with Uncle Henry, there’s gourds, there’s bad weather, there’s Grandma’s Funeral, there’s wool socks, and sometimes snowflakes.
4. Winter – it’s good and we all know it. Good weather, good cookies, hot choclate, re-run’s of Friends, and boots & chinese food!
How about this one?
Ford Circa '76.
Strong Guys With Good Pets 